RETIRED HUSBAND

[Designer]

After he retired, a retiree's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. And, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. And his wife, like most women - loves to stroll around browse, which leaves him with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday his wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Harvey:


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

* 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
* 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
* 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
* 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
* 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? EMTs were called.
* 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
* 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

* 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
* 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

* 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
* 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
* 15. October 23:. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

* 16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Fred]

Bullshit Edwena Harris

No one would marry you -you are a creepy turd and not even nice.

You made this crap up to make us all think you were normal and got married, bull shit.

[old time rider]

He did not make it up! Like me he stole it as heard it long ago but still like it.

[Designer]

He did not make it up! Like me he stole it as heard it long ago but still like it.

Yup,...it's a "story" I knew from before,...but made me laugh, so I reposted it again. [emoji2] One of the ones I liked best was #11.
I imagined this dude,...semi-crouched down,...making quick looks left-and-right,...then darting off to take cover behind some displays,....all while humming the "Mission Impossible' theme song. What a hoot!


What is disturbing is that little freddie thinks this 'story' is posted about me ,...and that my last name is 'Harris'. [space] But there is no Harris on this Thread at all.

It's the alcohol, ....it has slowly destroyed his brain after decades of excessive consumption.

Oh Well! ;IDunno:

[JFL Live]

* 16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Mrs JFL is the area supervisor for Mall cleaning crews around Iowa. About once every 3 or 4 months she'll get a call that someone crapped in a fitting room. Then she has to call some poor basstard to go clean it up...

[FallenAngel]

Bullshit Edwena Harris

No one would marry you -you are a creepy turd and not even nice.

You made this crap up to make us all think you were normal and got married, bull shit.

Dude Your are truly messed up

[old time rider]

Fred is doing what Fred does best ,get you up set and mad. Really I feel he is good on 1400s and good at making people hate him which he loves! [emoji476]

[FallenAngel]

Fred is doing what Fred does best ,get you up set and mad. Really I feel he is good on 1400s and good at making people hate him which he loves! [emoji476]

I wish I could remember the last Gem he posted on The 1400. Most of what I have read of his posts are similar to a shad tree Haynes manual.
I have seen the Wall Mart to Mrs Harvey letter before and I always chuckle.
From the list I ounce set a few alarm clocks to go of at close to the same time and was lucky enough to watch the action. I also order diet water
When I go through the drive through I tell them the order is for Here
At Taco bell I ask for No beans then ask for extra No Beans
Just some of the stuff I do so I dont end up angry on a forum trying to piss others off

Awesome post Designer
I still need to get your springs Hopefully before I need them

[Fred]

Fred is doing what Fred does best ,get you up set and mad. Really I feel he is good on 1400s and good at making people hate him which he loves! [emoji476]

Damn --ive been rumbled, see that lump in my face, --its not a tumour its my tounge in my cheek.

I cant do this stuff on an English forum, English people can understand what I say ---here no one has a clue.

[BoDog]

MAybe you should speak the Queens English.

[KAJUN]

Come on fred...you can do better than this......lighten up a bit and enjoy the scenery.....
And for once maybe ...have something positive to add to the conversation.. [emoji106]