Intruders-Alert

Look close!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye
call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff.....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten
bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside,
plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.

Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus ! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and
give yer old Dad a hug.

[quote="Herb"]Look close!



I see it now! [space] The sign on the Wall..... Deep Throat Competition!

Designer wrote:

Herb wrote:Look close!



I see it now! [space] The sign on the Wall..... Deep Throat Competition!

Can you imagine sending this photo home to the parents???

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
> for the day. That night, one of the huners returned alone,
staggering
> under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the
others asked.
>
> "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
> trail" the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out
there
> and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "It was a tough call"
nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

Now people quickly get out of the way...


==================================================================================================================================

They call it "Almond Milk" because no one can say "Nut Juice", with a straight face..

An Irish blessing:



May those that love us, love us.

And those that don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles

So we will know them by their limping.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside.

" Grandson, I wanna you lissina me.
I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos " .

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man. "

"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, "your times up???"

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy,"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but
didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just
groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. With
terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Sam replied," The balcony."

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent,
the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Murphy's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

“Well" asked the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

“Not meself, personally, no,” said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister on any number of occasions."







A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the
> world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana. When asked why, he replied
he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20
years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Police departments across the country are changing the sirens to a loudspeaker that plays the national anthem, so criminals will take a knee instead of running away.

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
> to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
> parking lot out front!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Suzuki Johnny wrote:

Where is the motorcycle?

Returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his
friends.

The barber, Giovanni, said, "Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi
said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." "Whata
you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.


"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, soma
nice
cigars fa me, and we lookina forward to da trip. We setta down and
Virginia open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore coma by, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in
disa car. Musta use dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga
lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice vino!

Conductore walka by again, wagga his finger and say, 'No drinka in
disa car! Musta use club car.'

So, we go to clubba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta
my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga his finger again and say, 'No
a'smokin in disa car. Musta go to a smokin car.'

We go to a smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and a go to
bed.

We just about to go boombada and the conductore, he walka through da
hall shouting ata top of his a voice... 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka
Virginia!' Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

Two Blonde women farmers bought a truckload of watermelons,
paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the
market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd
paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day,
they realized they ended up with no more money than they'd
started with. "See!" said the older one. "I TOLD you
we shoulda got a bigger truck."







Joe & the Replacement

Joe dies and arrives in hell. There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles. The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer. Joe says to the devil, “This is more like it.” The devil replies, “Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.” Joe insists this is where he'd like to carry out his punishment. So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, “You can go now. I've found your replacement.”

The Pharmacist

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising
position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's
wife. He takes the photo and slowly nods.

"I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask,
"Bob,how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do
you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

OLD FRIENDS



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"