Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Short and sweet?





Drive By

My former boyfriend broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France
races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".


SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute said, "if you ate a tin of beans would you know which
one made you fart?"

Easy Jet

Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "How do I know! It's your plane!"

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm going to take that".

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
--
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry


Yellow.................Lemon


Green..................Lime


Orange ..............Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Shut up. You know it's funny
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

SMILE OF THE DAY
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Lipstick in School



According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirror s, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

SMILE OF THE DAY
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

FIDOS PET PEEVES

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

ADVICE FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON :



For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles.
You might want to adopt this regimen
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing straight, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can-try to reach a full minute.
Relax.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks, and then 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a Sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Little Johnny is at it again
>
> _____
>
> A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
>started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
>up!"
>
> After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
>
> The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
>
> No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
>
> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
>on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
>
> "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
>the cream with a tissue.
>
> What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
>
> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
> A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
>students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
>Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
>understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
>grew up, etc., so he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
>
> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
>
> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
>
> Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
>know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
>
> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
>response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
>seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
>knew this.
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
>the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
>
> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
> The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
>class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
>44?"
>
> Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
>
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
>including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
>class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
>out of one of Adam's ribs.
>
> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
>ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
>
> Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going
>to have a wife."
>
> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
>police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of
>the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
>and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
>
> "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly
>
> to capture him."
>
> Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you
>
> took his picture?"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

SMILE OF THE DAY
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona.
The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there.
The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick.
The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing."
The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early.
The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID -
I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

"Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
>
> Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
> A: A bingo machine
> Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
> A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
> Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
> A. Wiped his ass.
> Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
> A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
> with everybody at the party except you.
> Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
> A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
> Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
> A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
> Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
> Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
> A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
> Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
> A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
> Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
> of driving
> Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
> A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
> Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
> A. A golden retriever.
> Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
> A. A mechanic!
> Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
> A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
> Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
> A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
> Q. Jewish dilemma:
> A. Free PORK.
> Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
> A. The one with the dirty knees.
> Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the
>
> biggest tits?
> A. The blonde, because she's 18.
> Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
> A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
> Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
> A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
> Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
> A. "Honey, I'm home!"
> Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
> A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
> Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
> A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
> Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
> A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went?
> Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
> A. She rolls her own tampons.
> Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
> A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
>
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
---------------------------
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
Joined a 1200cc Club
Posts: 19127
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:28 pm
My Bike: 1999 1400 intruder

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Trump and Reagan's Sense of Humor



Best joke ever told?

I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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YoDude
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Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2014 5:30 am
My Bike: Suzi 1400
Location: San Somewhere. West Coast
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by YoDude »

Gotta love that first one!
Now, lets see about the second one!
Intelligence is just the right thing to have, to render yourself extinct.

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Suzuki Johnny
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Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2014 5:25 am
My Bike: 2020 Tri Glide Ultra Harley
Location: GODS COUNTRY

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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