Humor For Today or any other Day

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

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I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Richard lie near death, his wife by his side.
Rose, promise me something?
If I can. What is it?
Marry Bob within a half-year after I'm dead.
But, I thought you hate Bob.
I do.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

He lay near death, his devoted wife at his side.
He fought to whisper his confession to her...his infidelities, his indiscretions..
She shushed him, soothed his brow...
,
,
,
,
,
It's okay honey, It's okay. Just relax, lean back
And let the poison work
















He also told her to sell all his tools and stuff.
She asked why.
He said "Because I don't want the next dickhead you marry messing with my stuff."
She said "What makes you think I'd marry another dickhead?"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Walter lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in Heaven, for there spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.
Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards one of the cookies at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
"Fuck off," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

FIRST, READ THIS ALOUD FOR FULL EFFECT

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"
"Lard ass."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin .

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven . " Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos . Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra And because all you have is Obamacare , she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.”
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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JFL Live
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by JFL Live »

Suzuki Johnny wrote:Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin .

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven . " Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos . Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra And because all you have is Obamacare , she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.”

True story?


Dog shoots hunter after another hunter leaves shotgun on ground
_I"T"|[___|___]
[---T--L -OlllllllO-]
()_)"""()_)/"**")_)


You will ride eternal, shiny and chrome...

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

True story?


Dog shoots hunter after another hunter leaves shotgun on ground[/quote]





He's lucky it wasn't any closer......maximum effective range for a shotgun hunting birds is 35 to 40 yards depending on the gauge and load...
And I'm sure his saving grace was the hunting vest he had on.....some of mine are of thin layers and others for winter weather are much thicker especially in the back.....
I've been peppered more than once with an errand shot my way dove hunting on my FIL's property in west Texas...Close enough it' feels like several wasp stings delivered all at once.......closer yet it can bring you to your knees....happened once to me.....accidental discharge ....I was in range for sure...25 to 30 yards.....but the culprit wasn't a dog :bonk:
I caught most of the full choke pattern in my butt and left side....# 7 1/2 lead shot...home load...not a good feeling. Some pellets did penetrate my outer wear and my skin.....none went in deeper than what you could see...I was lucky. Not a good feeling.
Hunter was apologetic but there wasn't anything more he could have done other than been more careful...he had forgotten to unload his shotgun from the day before....He was a seasoned hunter and we all wondered what he was thinking of...
You hunt long enough sooner or later it's gonna happen to you
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"














Wait for it

















The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers,
escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”No,” he replied, “I'm just a really shitty golfer.”
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:28 pm
My Bike: 1999 1400 intruder

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

User avatar
Herb
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Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:28 pm
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image

Image

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

User avatar
Herb
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Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:28 pm
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image

Image

Image

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are youuu the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

I stepped into the confessional at St. Patrick's Cathedral after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.


Inside I was shocked to find beautiful accent lighting, a plush leather reclining chair, and a fully stocked bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of Waterford crystal decanters filled with fine Irish whiskey, single-malt scotch, and old, barrel-aged bourbon. Above the liquor decanters was a wine-rack filled with first-growth Bordeaux and fabulous Burgundies. Above the wine rack was a whole row of Waterford crystal glasses on a shelf. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cohiba and Padron Cuban cigars and stunning selection of Godiva and La Maison chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional is much more inviting than it used to be.


He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.”
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s**t is adorable.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

VERY APPROPRIATE


Donations, anyone?
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC .
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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My Bike: 2020 Tri Glide Ultra Harley
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted
with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.
"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.
"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.
"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my
wife off on a month's vacation this morning; I took her to the
train station and kissed her good-bye."
"But what about the smudge?"
"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
Joined a 1200cc Club
Posts: 32824
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2014 5:25 am
My Bike: 2020 Tri Glide Ultra Harley
Location: GODS COUNTRY

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
- "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV;
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman...
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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