Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem

I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They say, ‘Hi, we're prostitutes, do you want to have some fun?'” the woman said embarrassingly.

“That's obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”

He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem.

I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.

I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we're prostitutes, do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks

“Yep,” the mutt replies

“So, what's your story?”

The mutt looks up and says;

“Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.” The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Married Couple Are Out Golfing

The husband slices his tee shot into the trees. They find the ball resting behind an oak.

The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.

“Honey, from here I can see the flagstick. Why not try to reach the green?”

He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.

The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes. She is killed instantly.

A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife. He hits an identical slice

They find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.

Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”

“Oh, hell no!” he spurts

“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci , Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only four parachutes.
Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.
The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.
Hillary said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.
President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The child replies, "Don’t worry. There are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Three golfers were standing at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.
The first man admitted that he cheated all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven. The second man confessed that he cheated on occasion, so St. Peter gave him a mid-sized car and let him through the gates.

The third man said, “For 40 years, I only ever played golf with my wife. Most of the time she beat me, but I never cheated.”
St. Peter gave him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him into heaven.
A week later, the three men met at an intersection in heaven, and the third man was sitting behind the wheel of his luxury car crying. The two others asked why someone with such a nice car was crying.
The third man looked through his tears and said, “I just saw my wife. She was driving a skateboard.”

[Herb]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on
the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached
her for what was
most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between
Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the
pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you
get for five bucks!?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The a$$ hole is usually in charge

[Suzuki Johnny]

One day a man accidentally overturned his golf cart while playing. A very attractive woman, and a keen golfer to boot, lived in a villa on the golf course he was playing. After hearing the commotion, the woman called out, “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

“It’s Jack, and I’m okay, thanks,” the man replied.

“Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later,” the woman said.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered,” but I don’t think my wife would like that.”

“Oh, come on,” she insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive, so Jack dusted himself off and headed over to the villa.

“Well okay,” he finally agreed, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a restorative whiskey, and some very helpful driving and putting lessons, Jack thanked his host.

Related video: 10 Problems Every Golfer Can Relate To (Dailymotion)

“I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset,” he said one final time.

“Don’t be silly!” the woman said with a smile. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Under the cart,” Jack said.

[Suzuki Johnny]

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was not feeling well and that he could not make it to church that day. Instead, the preacher packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. Should we teach him a lesson?”
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, 350 yards away. An unbelievable hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to teach him a lesson?”
God smiled.
“Think about it — who can he tell?”

[Suzuki Johnny]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 6 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” I replied,
“I’m just a shitty golfer.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

My wife and I went to the Royal Livestock Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Suzuki Johnny]

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Billy. He
replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

[Herb]

Never mess with Buster Scruggs...

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9LyYh6WN ... ture=share

[Suzuki Johnny]

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[Suzuki Johnny]

SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Hallo! Nicht das Wasser trinken. Die Kühe haben geschissen darin."
Which means: "Hey! Don't drink the water. The cows have been crapping in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for BIDEN. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Frozen Crabs and The Blonde Flight Attendant
> A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
> frozen crabs and
>
> asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She
> took the box and
>
> promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
> advised her that he was
>
> holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
> mentioning in an
>
> arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what
> would happen to her
>
> if she let them thaw out.
>
> Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
> announce to the
>
> entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs
> in New Orleans, please
>
> raise your hand?"
>
> Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.
>
> There are two lessons here:
>
>
> 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are
>
>
>
> 2. Blondes aren't as
> dumb
> as most folks
> think.

[Suzuki Johnny]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Joke Of The Day
A twosome were playing on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack.
“Please, I need help.” the man on the ground said.
The other player ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his putt. His friend, on the ground, raised up his head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?!”

“Don’t worry,” the golfer said calmly. “I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.”
“The second hole? When is he coming?” the man panted.

“Hey! I told you not to worry,” he said, stroking his putt. “Everyone has already agreed to let him play through.”