Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

THE SMALL BROWN BOTTLE

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Dress Code

Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you reading this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. In-line skates and a walker

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

14. A Thong and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by BlacktopTravelr »

I guess with that last one there is no need for me to go to the beach... hell there is no need for me to go to Cali. Wait, I don't wear a thong anyway. :bang: [space] :soda:
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Image
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by BlacktopTravelr »

Now they have to keep an eye on Hillary, she's liable to try old Brucie out for herself. :lolfall:
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Not if obama beats her to it :lmao: :lmao:
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by YoDude »

Oh but now....she's Caitlin Jenner. She calls herself the, "New Norm". I think I wanna puke. And why to they keep putting that shit on TV every morning, who fucking cares if some whackado OLD rich guy is a flamer anyways? They really NEED to stop advertizing this crap all the time. This is the kind of shit that might make a person want to kill people.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by BlacktopTravelr »

The news media has gott'en bite by the Howard Stern bug. You know the shock jock that gives the people what they want to see. I think that is why TV viewership is down or it was the last time I heard. :blink: Gives new meaning to the phrase "Boob tube." :lmao:
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
> >> that will pay him more.
> >> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
> >>
> >> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and
> >> proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
> >> every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
> >>
> >> The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
> >>
> >> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
> >> the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
> >> establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
> >> children!'
> >>
> >> More sighs and loud applause.
> >>
> >> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
> >> stays, ‘I will give him sex!'
> >>
> >> There is total silence.
> >>
> >> The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
> >> say that?'
> >>
> >> Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
> >> forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife
> >> Replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'
> >>
> >> Isn't senility wonderful?
> >>
> >> Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

It sounds to me like the "pilot" is correct!



An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. Moments later the tower land line rang which was answered by one of the employees.



A passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone he yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot has had an instant and fatal heart attack. I have grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”



The employee in the tower put him on the speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”



He began his series of questions:



Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”



Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”



Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”



Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”



Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?”



Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by YoDude »

Bwahahahahaha!!!

Yo-
Intelligence is just the right thing to have, to render yourself extinct.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Image
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by NE_FL »

:lmao: :cheers:

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by YoDude »

:eek: The husband was later admitted to the local hospital.

Yo-
Intelligence is just the right thing to have, to render yourself extinct.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

:funnylast: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:






Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by NE_FL »

:blink: ...........Oh,Oh!!! :Umm:

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by YoDude »

Oh my!

Yo-
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Could not resist sending this. Have Kleenex available.

Wow, this one will get you right in the heart. Short and to the point.

Normally, I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.











A little boy said to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Friday funny - Priest's retirement speech



A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation had been chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the politician was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; and had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity, and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

But as the days went on, I learned that the people of this parish were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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