Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

Future mothers, have your questions ready
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type B-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, for use in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

[Suzuki Johnny]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........."You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Amish


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would
move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"



The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
"Go get your mother."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Smile of the day

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

An Old Nebraska Mule

An old Nebraska farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Bill was sitting on the plane at DFW waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.
>>
>> The guy was an emotional wreck … pale, hands shaking in fear.
>>
>> "What's the matter ... afraid of flying?" Bill asked.
>>
>> "No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."
>>
>> Bill replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest bit of trouble."
>>
>> The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK, I'll take your word for it What do you do for a living?"
>>
>> "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck..."
>>

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man walking the
dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this?
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife’s."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[Suzuki Johnny]

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Lafayette, Indiana, for $199.95.
They bought the cow from Indiana and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move awayfrom the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walksaway to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Indiana?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How didyou know we got the cow in Indiana?"
The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Indiana

[Suzuki Johnny]

A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami.
In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans
(the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last
wish asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country... a T-shirt, a handkerchief... etc.

Almost ready to abandon all hope... a 20-year-old girl
interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the
flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.

The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her
underwear...showing the Cuban flag in a beautifully shaped
tanned buttock cheek... she approaches the dying man and
sticks her ass right on his face...

The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both
hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion saying
"My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness...
my land, my flag... Havana... I will miss you so..."

After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop... he says to
the girl..."Now... chica... turn around, por favor...I want
to kiss Fidel good-bye!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of
them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed t the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there
was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the
lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt an pants and made mad passionate love to the man right
there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't
believe what had just happened, but he had just
experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He
asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again,
stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he
asked her to go fishing again the next day She said
yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the
boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and
the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down
the river when he came upon another fork in the river
and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if
you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my
hearing aid and I thought the choices were "f**k or
DROWN!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced
by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from most of us.

Here are some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


And ...........


35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?











Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."


"No," Steve corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

[Suzuki Johnny]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
* Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
* I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
* Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ... "
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* I got a sweater for Christmas ... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
* The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's.
* If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!!
* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $2.00 at the bowling alley.
* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
* I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
* Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
* Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
* If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
* Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
* How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
* The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Young Female Stowaway
A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Ellender Bridge. She was about to leap into the murky water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday".
"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.
"Just let me make love to you each and every night of the voyage..." The blonde agreed.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Cameron Ferry."

[Suzuki Johnny]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

[Suzuki Johnny]

Not well thought out.....








This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding a workers compensation insurance claim. The names of the injured party, his employer and the insurance company have been omitted for obvious reasons. Please read on for a good laugh.


Dear Sir, I'm writing in response to your request for additional information. In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient. I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks. You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained conciseness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked. I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs. I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Amish and the Elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a multi-story shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.



The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blonde stepped out





The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[Suzuki Johnny]

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.

[Suzuki Johnny]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
> went to the local church for confession in 1960.
>
>
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
> "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
> neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
> the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>
> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
> no need to confess that."
>
> "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
> favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
> Sundays."
>
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
> you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
> circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
>
> However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>
> "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one
> more question."
>
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
>
> "Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Suzuki Johnny]

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big
breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a
sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget