Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. This one should get First Prize.



I emailed it to my Japanese doctor friend; he emailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician."

[Suzuki Johnny]

>>Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning
round
>>of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one
of the
>>lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
>>
>>It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer
joined their law

>>firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about
their golf
>>round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I
used to
>>play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would
you mind if
I
>>joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other.
They were
>>hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had
them on the
>>spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would
be starting
>>pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would
discourage
>>her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and
asked if she

>>could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.
>>
>>They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She
smiled, and
>>said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She
showed up
>>right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an
eye-opening

>>2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
entire round.
The
>>guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated
her and
>>happily invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said,
"Sure, I'll

>>be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at
6:30
>>Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The
three
>>lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even
>>par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys
were
totally
>>amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look
bad by
>>beating them left-handed.
>>
>>They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and
didn't seem

>>to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to
>>beat her!
>>
>>In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this
week she was

>>15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined
>>to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As
they waited
>>for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her

>>part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played
>>right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat
all three of

>>them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of
their strong
>>play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was
a riddle
no
>>one could figure out!
>>
>>Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their
heads at her
>>ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the
>>conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain
his
>>curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you
decide if
>>you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
>>
>>The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When
my Dad
taught
>>me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun
>>switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got
>>married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then
on, I
>>developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning
for golf
>>practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was
>>pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was
pointed to the
>>left, I golfed left-handed.
>>
>>All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
Astonished at this
>>bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if
it's pointed

>>straight up in the air?"
>>
>>She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
>>

[Suzuki Johnny]

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
“What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered,
“Call for backup.”





I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today,
it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

[Suzuki Johnny]

I have a Great Dane so I was buying a large bag of Purina at the Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (!!!?) On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

Continuing on, I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally perfect so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the check out line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no. I'd been sitting in the street licking my privates and a truck hit me.

(I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door

[Suzuki Johnny]

The breeding bulls



My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a
woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think
that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[Designer]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Yetta, a fifty year old spinster and a self-appointed monitor of Synagogue
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Members of the congregation did not approve of her offerings but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
Ari, a fifty something, good looking hunk and a recent arrival from Israel, would pay

no attention to her. He had no time for her nonsense. This turned Yetta on.

Yetta saw Ari as husband material. But Ari was not of like mind. Every time Yetta

would approach Ari he would walk away without acknowledging her.

This began to irk Yetta to no end. So she decided to get even with Ari.

She told several members of the congregation that Ari was both an alcoholic and

a sex maniac.

When members of the synagogue asked how she knew this. Yetta said that

she saw Ari's red Porsche parked in front of the town’s only bar
and strip joint.
After hearing of Yetta's accusation Ari knew what to do. Later that evening, Ari
quietly parked his Porsche in front of Yetta's house, walked home, and left it there
all night.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

[Suzuki Johnny]

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
>revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?"
>asks the doctor.
>"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "he won't even
>take an aspirin for a headache."
>"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into
>his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know
>how things go."
>A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to
>how things went.
>"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, doctor!"
>"What happened?" asked the doctor.
>"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee.
>
>The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his
>eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table,
>at the same time ripping me clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad,
>
>passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"
>"What was 'terrible'"" said the doctor. "Was the sex not Good?"
>"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
>but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.





Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."



The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"





Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"





"Denise," the doctor answers.





The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."



Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"





The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN




A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his
patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the
patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer
Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against
the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts,"
and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable
with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in
the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just
fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"



Does anyone wonder why blind men don't sky dive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman called her boss one morning to say she was staying home because
she didn't feel well.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she answered in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Suzuki Johnny]

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and
you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
you should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,
use the duct tape.

Remember:

* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Medical Term
Redneck Definition:
Artery
The study of paintings

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
What doctors do when patients die

Benign
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan
Searching for Kitty

Cauterize
Made eye contact with her

Colic
A sheep dog

Coma
A punctuation mark

Dilate
To live long

Enema

Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else

Fibula
A small lie

Impotent
Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane

Morbid
A higher offer

Nitrates
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days

Node
I knew it

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Nearly killed him

Secretion
Hiding something

Seizure
Roman Emperor

Tablet
A small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

Tumor
One plus one more

Urine
Opposite of you're out


At least smile dang it [emoji106]

[HARRIS]

SWEEEET

[Suzuki Johnny]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.

Maria said, "Screw her."

[Suzuki Johnny]

One day, Boudreaux was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Thibodeaux driving a brand new pickup.

Boudreaux pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Thibodeaux", where'd you git that truck?'
'Tammie give it to me.' Thibodeaux replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Boudreaux, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
"Thibodeaux", take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!'

"Boudreaux", you a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

[Suzuki Johnny]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a situation.
‘I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.’

‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..’

How soon can I go home?'

You can do your bit by remembering to send this email to an unstable friend.

I’ve done my part

[Suzuki Johnny]

Rye Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ..... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.."

He replied,
"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the
same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This routine continues until one Friday evening when the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress can't contain her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs. "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and

long legs who agrees with everything I say."



Clever Quotes

1. Give a person a fish, and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet, and he/she won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . .not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
9. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
12. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
13. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?