Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

How Yodeling Began :

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.
Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.
The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?
"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.
The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."
"Oh", replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"
"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.
The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."
The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What??" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?!" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard, looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out...

"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

And thus was born yodeling.

[Suzuki Johnny]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder, "Notice anything diferent NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Berts yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

Margaret replies...."Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it started."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after,they're out for a walk and Bubba says,
"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and
have a drank."

"But we privates," protests Junior.

"We sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior,
I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes.
"We Sergeants now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make
you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the
okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay
sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,
"But we Sergeants now!"...

[Suzuki Johnny]

Life of an old Cowboy

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".

[Suzuki Johnny]

Goodness

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”

“I got it from my genie,” he said

“You have a genie?” the first guy asked.

“Yep, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opened his golf bag and out popped a real genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?”

“Yes, I will,” the genie replied.

So the friend asks the genie for “a million bucks.”

“Done!” the genie replied as he hopped back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers.

“Hey,” yells the disappointed golfer. “I asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“Sorry,” the other golfer replied, “He’s hard of hearing. Besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Stress Levels

1. You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints in your
car and you take her to the hospital. Let's call that Stress Level I.

2. At the hospital, the doctor says she is pregnant & congratulates you;
you are going to be a father. That's Stress Level-II

3. You deny being the father, but the girl says you are. That's Stress Level III.

4, You request a DNA test to prove you are not the father. After the tests are
completed, the doctor says you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You've reached Stress Level IV, but you're relieved.

5. On your way back home, you think about your three kids. That's Stress Level V.

[Suzuki Johnny]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

I sent this to men who need a laugh and to a select few women who don't own a gun.


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The American Indians found out what happens when.....
you don't control immigration.


Lady Nancy Astor once told Winston Churchill, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee" Churchill replied, "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it".

[Suzuki Johnny]

BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE SELECT,

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Iliterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Hey! You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

[RoadKing]

Brevity is the soul of wit.

[Suzuki Johnny]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."

[BlacktopTravelr]

I would change

"If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass"

to

"Unless you're a Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass."

Butt what do I know I wouldn't make a good pimple on an ass.

[Suzuki Johnny]

aA mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mom say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Call from Hillary

Just for a little chuckle
Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!" exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.
"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled Trump.

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take her place," begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary," replied President Trump.

[Designer]

Cowboy and his Lady had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied; Nope, reckon not.

Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it."

[Suzuki Johnny]

On Friday, a hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load cash into a large plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer pulled the hood off, revealing the robber's face. Without hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Horrified, everyone stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence and then a little old lady spoke up, "My husband got a pretty good look at you."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A young Redneck mother is preparing a Brisket one Sunday for dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off
the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.

The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not
sure.

This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call
Grandma and ask her."

So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.

The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket."

Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
great-grandmother in the nursing home.

"You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"

"I don't know why you do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a
pan that was large enough!"

[Designer]

That's good one!

He's one of yours I liked:

[Suzuki Johnny]

he sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."
You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!
......almost got me killed






A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suzuki Johnny]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 27 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....


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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!