Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

[Suzuki Johnny]

THE VET AND HIS MOM









One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a
small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an
elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached
her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some
of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you
can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a
living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much
money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?

The Woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..................He has two cat
houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"

[Suzuki Johnny]

"What is the reason you are seeking a divorce?" a court judge asked the man standing before him.

"Because I live in a two-story house, your honor"

"What's wrong about a two-story house?" asked the judge

"Well, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other one is 'It's that time of the month'.











________________________
Seen on a t-shirt

On the Front:.... Democrats make better lovers...

On the Back: ....'cause who ever heard of a nice piece of elephant?











________________________
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of
their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding,
they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might
work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their
physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said,
responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old
gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye
and asked

"Is that one word or two?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please; let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs"



Gotta love those Italians.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"


"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.


"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."


The homeless man was astounded "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"


The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

[Suzuki Johnny]

One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was fine, but he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first.
Dan pointed to his forehead and said, “Do I have plumber written on my forehead?”
He went on to play golf.

The next day Dan told his wife he was going to play golf and she told him that it was fine, but first he needed to fix the ceiling fan.
Dan pointed to his forehead and said, ” Do I have electrician written on my forehead?”
He went on to play golf.

When he returned, the leak was fixed and the fan was working. Dan asked his wife who did the repairs and she told him the nextdoor neighbor came over and fixed both.
Dan asked how much he charged and the wife said, “He told me I could sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
Dan asked, “Did he like the cake?”

His wife responded, “DO I HAVE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”



Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Lechy]

HILARY CLINTON and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal. "You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!"
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
I had just stepped inside the door and said, "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[emoji41]

[Suzuki Johnny]

Mexican Maid



The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria : "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife : "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria : "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife : "Oh yeah?"
Maria : "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife : "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than m"e?
Maria : "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated : "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria : "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you!
Wife : (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth):
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria : "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife : "So, how much do think would be fair?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Nun and Priest

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third
day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting
themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a
long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty
grim."

I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more
than a day or two." I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are
unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering
if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I
touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.

Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
produce life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Importance of Walking!!

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate, or rum.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine. .

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


CONFOUNDED

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your
honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
For a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be
At a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
Male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
And the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
Badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
Already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
Their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for
This man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
Before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers
Began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
Head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
One of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
Been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[Suzuki Johnny]

CHINESE PROVERBS
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
>organ.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> >
> > * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> >

[BlacktopTravelr]

Man who fly plane upside down have nasty crack-up...

[Suzuki Johnny]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in his homeland, India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar'.

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.

[Suzuki Johnny]

THE CONDOM


I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so.
I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was
new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No".
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked
it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb! -struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid
down on a desk.
"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on
her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
pow!, I was done within a minute.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.



Of course this is told from the man side of it.......

[Suzuki Johnny]

Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.



After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: All these years, everything has been working just fine. She said " I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."



The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."



She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.