Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"

"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Arthur is 75 years old.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down she says,
“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”




As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr. Smith told them, “I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so I can take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”







The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[Suzuki Johnny]

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"
"Lard ass."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!"

"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

New Golf Terminology

Four very old retired Navy geezers came into the Army-Navy Club pro Shop in Arlington, Virginia after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"

The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had Five."

The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"

After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member that had heard the old gents telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game,.... But what in the world is a rider?"

You're going to love this....

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart

[Suzuki Johnny]

The quickest way to Ville Platte
A man approached Boudreaux when he was visiting in Mamou, Looziana.
"Excuse me, sir, can you tell me the quickest way to get to Ville Platte?
Boudreaux scratched his head, "Are you walkin' or drivin' ?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving." replied the stranger.
"Dat's the quickest way!" said Boudreaux.

[Suzuki Johnny]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house.”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. They asked, “did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A woman called her boss one morning to say she was staying home because

she didn't feel well.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she answered in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Suzuki Johnny]

01. The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless!

02. Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

03. When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

04. Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

05. Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

06. If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

07. Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me.

08. I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

09. Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

10. Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

11. So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

12. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

14. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

15. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

16. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.

17. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

18. "On time" is when I get there.

19. Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

20. It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

21. "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house!

[Suzuki Johnny]

'Old Mr. Hebert stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

He had a few chores to take care of, so on the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem; how to carry his entire bundle of purchases home.

While he was scratching his head in thought, he was approached by a little elderly Cajun lady who told him she was a bit lost. She asked, "Can you told me how to get to 1603 Bayou Rouge Lane?"

Mr. Hebert said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to dat address, and I would walk you dere mon cher, but I don't tink I can carry all dis stuff."

The elderly lady suggested, "Well, why don't you just put da can of paint down in da bucket, carry da bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and den carry da goose in you udder hand."

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to the address she was seeking.

On the way there, Hebert says "Let's take my short cut cher, and go down dis alley. We'll be dere in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know dat when we get in dat alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have you way wit me?"

Mr. Hebert said, "Good Lawd lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in da world could I possibly hold you up against da wall and do dat?"

The old lady replied, "Set da goose down, cover him wit da bucket, put da paint on top of da bucket, and I'll hold da chickens."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months

to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[HARRIS]

BADDA BOOM !

[Suzuki Johnny]

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.



Statement of the Century
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Lafayette, Indiana, for $199.95.
They bought the cow from Indiana and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move awayfrom the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walksaway to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Indiana?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How didyou know we got the cow in Indiana?"
The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Indiana."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
★¨`*•♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ♫ ..•* ★

[Suzuki Johnny]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T
GOING TO TORONTO."

[Suzuki Johnny]

My cousin has two tickets for the 2024 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $8,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Margaret Church, in Lake Charles at 3 p.m. Her name is Whitney. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
PS: Copy and paste and make someone laugh today!!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."