Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Presidential dinner

Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister, comes to Washington for
meetings with President George W. Bush.
Laura Bush, wishing to dispel rumors of "cowboy" behavior in the
White House, brings in a special kosher chef to serve an authentic
Jewish meal.

The first course is matzo ball soup. President Bush stares into his
soup and whispers to Colin Powell, "I can't eat this!"
"Mr. President," Powell explains, "the Prime Minister will be
insulted if you don't at least taste it. This is a traditional Jewish course.
It is eaten regularly by millions of Jews world-wide."

"C'mon Georgie," the President thinks, "you sure ate worse in your
life and you don't need another diplomatic flap, especially since you already ate sheep eyes that time Mubarak rolled through here beggin' for money!"

All eyes are on the President as the honored guests wait for his
signal to start eating. With a flourish, the President lowers his spoon into
the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. Smiling weakly to his guests, he remembers how his father had gotten sick at a state dinner in Japan and the flap that his barfing had caused. So with renewed resolve, the President of the United States lifts the spoon to his lips and swallows. A Texas-sized grin appears on his face!

The First Lady looks heavenward and sighs with relief.

The Secretary of State does a quick sign-of-the-cross and smiles.

The US Ambassador to Israel touches his heart and exhales visibly.

The Chief of White House Protocol wipes his brow in satisfaction.

In this victorious moment in US diplomacy hundreds of eyes turn
eagerly to see what President Bush will do next.
They see him put his arm around Sharon who is sitting next to him.
Bush says, "That was delicious, Ariel, but tell this old Texas boy: do you
Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just its balls?"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway,
the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck -- and I starting jumping up and down along
with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
"Great! Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping
upand down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissedher on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
happier!! !
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean
'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are
going to haveTWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew. She said.......




"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had
a homepregnancy kit in a twin-pack.......and...both tests came out positive!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants. The iTit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major break through because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Image
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

pDear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex.This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F#@$% You".
The 5th kind of sex is called:Courtroom Sex.This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Oppps.. Don't forget Social Security Sex. You get a little each month.. But not enough to live on !
Can't forget the Outdoor Sex.............that's when you go out the door and get some........
......rodeo sex.
Doggy style,
reach around grab a handful of tit, whisper in her ear "This is exactly how you sister likes it.".....then see if you can stay on for 8 seconds.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

This airline attendant is great.

[youtube][/youtube]
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

old time rider
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by old time rider »

Nice but could she talk a little faster? :lmao: Sure not from way down south... :XmasTree: :putput:

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

old time rider wrote:Nice but could she talk a little faster? :lmao: Sure not from way down south... :XmasTree: :putput:
Yeah, with my lousy hearing I had to watch it 3 times... Still pretty funny.
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A missionary in Africa realizes that the one thing
he has never taught the natives is how to speak
English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the
forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic
about the results, when he hears a rustling in
the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly
says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, then
pulls out his blow-gun and poisoned darts
and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the
chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe
how to be civilized and kind to each other, so
he asks, "How could you kill these people in
cold blood that way?"
The chief replied, "My bike."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

An old country farmer with serious financial troubles bought a mule from a neighbor for $100. The neighbor agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning, however, the neighbor drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The mule died last night." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just help me unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule." "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the two met up at the feed store. The neighbor asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off, just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each, and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won the raffle. So I gave him his two dollars back."







Dentist #1
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office.
The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled out. I don't want any pain killer because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"Gee!! You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "OK, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Honey, come over and show the dentist which tooth hurts you."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Three Holy Men & a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next..

He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts,
and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of
him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!



The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him.. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by 1sttightwad »

SUPER THANKS to all that posted these great and umm, clean jokes.. Made my morning much better.. Dave

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

ADVICE ABOUT MEN:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
(My personal favorite)
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

..and on that note:
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

I wasn't…
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Due to the unusual cold in the south, WALMART customers are advised to wear 2 pairs of pajamas when they go shopping.
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

I Miss Bill

It doesn't matter what party you belong to, this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton....

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now!?! Look at him.... his wife works, and he doesn't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET!
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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