Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Entrance Exam - Football Player

Time Limit: 3 Weeks
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify


1. Foreign Language:
What language is spoken in France?

2. History:
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-
Give the first name of Benjamin Franklin.

3. Literature:
Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a) build a bridge
b) sail the ocean
c) lead an army
d) Write a play

4. Religion:
What religion is the Pope? Circle only one.
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric Conversion:
How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

6. Physics:
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. Religion:
How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)

8. Geography:
What are people in the North called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Politics:
Spell George W. Bush

10. British History:
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Natural Science:
Where does rain come from?
a) Costco
b) Wallmart
c) Canada
d) the sky

12. Advanced Physics:
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. Philosophy:
What are coat hangers used for?

14. Political Science:
The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Physics:
Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Architecture:
Where is the ground floor in a three story building located?

17. Advanced mathematics:
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

18. Communications:
What does RCA (Radio Corporation of America) stand for?

19. Sport
In what sport would you use a baseball?

20. Sport 2
In what town do the New York Yankees play their home games?
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Physics


Factors and parameters in a simple formula
Image
Complicated principle ?










Now, remember in high school (or post secondary)
how difficult it was to understand some of these
principles, you know, . . . cause and effect, or ,
action with equal and opposite reaction ?
Our schools could have altered the curriculum to allow
simpler methods of transferring the same phenomenon
to a visual that was more easily understood.
.
.


Image


[]
Would have been so much easier to understand,
and then we all would have said, "Isn't physics
great ?" Go figure.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, NOW IT MAKES SENSE TO ME. WOW!
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

My thoughts on the Confederate Flag






REMOVE IT!














Image
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Posts: 32824
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
“Now,” Boudreaux concluded, “which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”


______________________________ ______________________________
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having
her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself
as he examined her:

"My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!"

The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the
assertive type she spoke up immediately:

"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's
incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To
say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But
just to set the record straight, I only said it once
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

HARRIS
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET!
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.


As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came
walking straight towards them.


They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and
said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.


They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?


So the next day, they went back to the store and bought


even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw
them.


Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine.


After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a
thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.


Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good
morning, Father," and started to walk away.


One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."


"Yes, Father?", she said.


"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"


"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Posts: 32824
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Location: GODS COUNTRY

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home . . . and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened.

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation. She didn't get your email."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Location: GODS COUNTRY

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"


Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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My Bike: 2020 Tri Glide Ultra Harley
Location: GODS COUNTRY

Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
>>>
>>> Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
>>>
>>> The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>>>
>>> A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
>>>
>>> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>>
>>> Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>>
>>> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
>>>
>>> "No," the woman replied...."Divorce attorney.”
>>> ---
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.



One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.



When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Granddad, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a$$hole, blind baStard, dip$hit or son of a bit*h anywhere we went!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a handsome gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Dear morning people,

Honest question.

What the hell is wrong with you?



Isn't it surprising that potatoes give us vodka?

The rest of the vegetables should get their shit together.



I have entered the Snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped, the rest is draggin'.
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

1. It's important that a woman helps around the house and has a job
2. It's important that you have a woman who makes you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and makes love to you.
5. It's important that those four women never meet.







This joke will most likely be understood by those of us that have served.....if an explanation is needed then I'm sure someone will inform the ones that don't get the punch line ............

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'The
Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not ; it's only 2130 now.'
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Designer
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Designer »

Stay off your bike!


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms.

"The pharmacist said, "Oh, well If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days.

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Image

Time To Ride Country Two Laners. :ShitGrinandThumb:


CENSORSHIP IS WHAT TYRANTS RESORT TO WHEN THEIR LIES LOOSE THEIR POWER. :space: MORS TYRANNIS
Si vis pacem, para bellum!

HARRIS
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET!
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

User avatar
Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’
“What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two f****** days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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Herb
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Herb »

Image
I can't seem to win the lottery. I think I have used up all of my good luck riding motorcycles.

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