Humor For Today or any other Day

[YoDude]

Hahaha! Prolly true too.

Yo-

[Suzuki Johnny]

NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the
astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day,
a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited
and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message
to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when
he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" He then told an underling to get a tape recorder. The
Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for
other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but
refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO
STEAL YOUR LAND."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Medicare Part G

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (part G) and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

(And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it) [emoji106]

And because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay anymore income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

[Suzuki Johnny]

So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?"












He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog.
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"


The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn, let's have another look at that dog!"

[Suzuki Johnny]

WINNING JOKE IN BRITAIN
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles,
put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man,
and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest,
and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a muslim with no brains,
no heart and no balls and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world competition held in Britain!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Hillary Clinton was in Des Moines, Iowa, where she fired up a crowd of about 600 supporters with her first stump speech of her 2016 presidential campaign.
That evening, she and her driver were speeding back along a country road when an old cow crossed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The old cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She instructed him to resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but if the farmer insists, Hillary said the driver must pay, “you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!”
Hillary stayed in the car making phone calls, while the driver went to the farmhouse.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
“What happened to you?” asked Hillary.
With a blissful smile, the driver replied, “Well, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”
“Why would they do that when you ran over and killed their cow?,” Hillary demanded.
The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ The rest happened so fast, I couldn’t stop it.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

No one believes seniors, everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘Killer Chili’. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘ Oh my Lord’, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store…

[Suzuki Johnny]

OXYMORON

The folks who are
getting the free stuff don't
like
The folks who are
paying for the free stuff,because The folks who
are paying for the free stuff can no
longer Afford to pay for
both the free stuff and their
own stuff.

And the folks who are
paying for the free stuff
Want the free stuff
to stop.

And the folks who are
getting the free
stuff want even
more
Free stuff on top of
the free stuff they are
already getting!

Now...The people who are
forcing the people who pay
For the free stuff
have told the people who
are RECEIVING
The free stuff
that the people who are
PAYING for the
Free stuff
are being mean,
prejudiced, and racist.

So...
The people who are
GETTING the free stuff have
been
Convinced they need to
hate the people who are paying for the Free
stuff by the people who are
forcing some people to pay
For their
free stuff and giving them the
free stuff in the first
place.
We have let the free
stuff giving go on for so long
that there Are now more people
getting free
stuff than paying for
the
Free stuff

[tc1400]

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

14. A Thong and Depends


Yeah, I'd say this one tops the list alright. Wow, that's just s-o-o WRONG!

[YoDude]

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

14. A Thong and Depends


Yeah, I'd say this one tops the list alright. Wow, that's just s-o-o WRONG!

OMG I can't even imagine that one.

Yo-

[Suzuki Johnny]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

[Suzuki Johnny]

Dealing With Women

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly hanged.
'I meant my dress size, you fool'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Subject: Freedom is a problem...
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said: "Up until this last week, I still had it all !
A cook cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head,
I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . .. "




I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"











"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. ... "I got out of prison !"

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Ocean ~~~ ALL you Need to Know!!
Children Writing About the Ocean~~~


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother isalways crying,
my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so
I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Liberal Northerner's son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but, it was in the Deep South.

Dad, a liberal Democrat, was worried about his son going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women.


"They can't cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean, they don't like sex, and if you marry one, she'll call you a Damn Yankee the rest of your life. "


After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he was in love with her.


Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and their shortcomings.


After another couple of months, the son called Dad and told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.


Two more months go by and son telephones Dad ... "Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex."


Dad responded, "Well, what about the fourth thing -- her calling you a Damn Yankee?"


"Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won't call me a 'Damn Yankee', and I won't call her the "N" word."

[YoDude]

While not politically correct in the least way, I likes it!

Yo-

[Suzuki Johnny]

I laughed so hard about the southern girl my ribs hurt.....my sweet wife wanted to know what was wrong with me...she read the joke and she did almost the same thing except she was drinking a beer at the time.....she got suds all over my key board...

[YoDude]

Hahaha, that's funny too!

Yo-