Humor For Today or any other Day

[KAJUN]

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.

Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.

Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

[KAJUN]

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY


1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

















WHY ? YOU ASK


1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.
2. O. J. IS A SLICER.
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, and
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

[tabasco]

[Suzuki Johnny]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

[KAJUN]

An 80 year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:
"Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."
The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"
The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

[KAJUN]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He whispered to a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I studied law, and I know how to screw people."

[KAJUN]

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, "Bullshit'"

[KAJUN]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[KAJUN]

KITCHEN SEX

She's in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, when he walks in.
She turns and says, "You have to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "Holy Smoke - this is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all, on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[Herb]

I used to live paycheck to paycheck.
Through hard work and perseverance,
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

[KAJUN]

Went over to my neighbors yesterday and had started telling him about my seenus problems.
While I was telling him about it I had to turn and let out a loud sneeze.
Before I could get started back on my conversation real good, he asked me how long I had been having a sinus problem.
I told him I didn't really have a sinus problem.
He said I don't understand, you just told me you had a sinus problem.
I said I didn't say anything about a sinus problem. I said I had a seenus problem.
I was over at my girl friends house last night and my wife seenus

[Herb]

Went over to my neighbors yesterday and had started telling him about my seenus problems.
While I was telling him about it I had to turn and let out a loud sneeze.
Before I could get started back on my conversation real good, he asked me how long I had been having a sinus problem.
I told him I didn't really have a sinus problem.
He said I don't understand, you just told me you had a sinus problem.
I said I didn't say anything about a sinus problem. I said I had a seenus problem.
I was over at my girl friends house last night and my wife seenus

Only a redneck,,,
or a cajun would understand that joke.

[KAJUN]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________________________ ____
IT’S OK TO PASS IT ON AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions... the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

[KAJUN]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a
string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute,
and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women
inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come
in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the
girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no! .

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to
get shots after making love with Sherrie. THAT'S
the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the
money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the
first room on the right. He headed down the hall,
dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the
frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After
they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute
little boys. She will then get the disease that I just
caught. When Mom and Dad get ! back, Dad will
take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll j ump
the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have
sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the
disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran
over my FROG."

[KAJUN]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

[KAJUN]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.



"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!



That's the key.



You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.



"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS !!!



But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?



You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.



Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.



But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!



So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60! .



You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!



You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.



And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."



Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"



May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them" .



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.



3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.



4. Enjoy the simple things.



5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.



6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.



7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.



9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.



10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.



AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[KAJUN]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[KAJUN]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his
Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair
Of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
Stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just
Ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
Boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three
Pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running
Boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a
Moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
Customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the
Flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[KAJUN]

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[KAJUN]

ONE OF MY FAVORITES ...

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day,
5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Marine Corps. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, Colonel."