Humor For Today or any other Day

[Suzuki Johnny]

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me ...

your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

[Suzuki Johnny]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and

goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[Suzuki Johnny]

The Toothbrush Salesman.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[Suzuki Johnny]

Rabbits
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits, and you don't get fond of them...

[Suzuki Johnny]

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr. Smith told them, “I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so I can take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

[Suzuki Johnny]

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor's daughter
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19
We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months
He won't go to counselling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently
Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Sheila



Sheila –
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

John

[Suzuki Johnny]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S

It's hot down here!

[Suzuki Johnny]

A group of Sydney bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge,

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and said:

“Hey Baby

Whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?”

She said tearfully: “I'm going to jump”.

While he didn't want to appear ‘sensitive', George didn't want to miss this ‘be-a-legend' opportunity either, so he asked: “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.

It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another, even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George got a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the police officer.

“Wow!” said George.

“That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.

You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why the hell are you gonna jump?”

“My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl”.

[Suzuki Johnny]

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…

…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and

…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.

So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

[Suzuki Johnny]

Random thoughts to ponder-

• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.

• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for years. Two days before the group is to leave for St. Andrews, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Jack’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to Scotland only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up
“Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” one friend asked.
“I’ve been here since last night. The other day, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?“ I pulled her hands off, and there she was wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
“On the bed, she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’
“So… here I am!”

[Suzuki Johnny]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[Suzuki Johnny]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Mommy's Little Helper

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June, 1998

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."


"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

[Suzuki Johnny]

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

[Suzuki Johnny]

Today's riddle for seniors...
Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below, but I must caution you it may surprise you














































Get off the merry go round .....

[Herb]

Why do French people eat snails?


They don’t like fast food.

[Herb]

Life as a commie

https://video.spreely.com/watch/life-as ... cNsku.html

[Designer]

That was HILARIOUS, Herb.

Good find there.

[Suzuki Johnny]

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

“You simpleton!” the officer barked

“Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”

“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.

“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

“Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' —that did it.”

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,

“I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“That would be my wife.”

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…

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A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him. “Do you see those strings on his legs?

When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

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Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.
Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says.
“Hi, is this the circus?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”
“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”
“Alex.”
“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”
“Well, I have several talents… for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”
“O… Okay… That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB…”
“No, no, wait! I… I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”
“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir…”
“No, please, I… I… I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backward!”
“…”
“…”
“Goodbye, sir.”
She hangs up the phone.
Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something.
“Oh darn! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”
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Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?