Humor For Today or any other Day

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he saysh e'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at "who" you sent me instead. Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big
breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a
sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Designer »

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'


:jester:
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CENSORSHIP IS WHAT TYRANTS RESORT TO WHEN THEIR LIES LOOSE THEIR POWER. :space: MORS TYRANNIS
Si vis pacem, para bellum!

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, Social Insurance number, etc.

And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."



"Chicken Farmer it is."
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

ADVICE ABOUT MEN:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
(My personal favorite)
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

CAJUN JOKE

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche , Louisiana , International Airport .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y' know, I've heard you can drink de jet fuel and get a buzz.

So dey pour demselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas and get completely smashed.

De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef up and is surprise at how good he feel.

In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair.
Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are this morning?'

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don't got a hangover?'

Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin
We ought to do dis more often..'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one ting.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Shreveport !'
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

GOTTA KNOW WHERE " cause I'm in Shreveport !' IS .....
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Designer »

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?.”

♦ Can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single.
The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.
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CENSORSHIP IS WHAT TYRANTS RESORT TO WHEN THEIR LIES LOOSE THEIR POWER. :space: MORS TYRANNIS
Si vis pacem, para bellum!

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

HARRIS wrote:GOTTA KNOW WHERE " cause I'm in Shreveport !' IS .....


The Bayou Teche is a 125-mile-long waterway of great cultural significance in south central Louisiana in the United States.
Bayou Teche was the Mississippi River's main course when it developed a delta about 2,800 to 4,500 years ago.



Shreveport is a city in northwest Louisiana.


They are about 216 miles apart...
sorry abut the confusion..
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says.
To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says. Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing. The big man hits him again. "Judo from Japan." L'il ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer.
The man grabs him putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea." After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool he walks out. Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor. Looking down at his tormenter, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect,they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddybears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and
huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,
she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door,
she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering
the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like
crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by KAJUN »

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something, "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Designer »

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."
And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Image

Time To Ride Country Two Laners. :ShitGrinandThumb:


CENSORSHIP IS WHAT TYRANTS RESORT TO WHEN THEIR LIES LOOSE THEIR POWER. :space: MORS TYRANNIS
Si vis pacem, para bellum!

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

I'M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG. MY FUNCTION IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF
BOTH SEXES. I'M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR
INSTANT
ACTION. I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL
HOLE AT
THE OTHER. IN USE, I'M INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING. THERE I'M
THRUST IN
AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN
QUICKLY AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN
WILL
MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM
THE WELL
LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE BEHIND A
JUICY,
FROTHY, STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE
OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER
EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING, I RETURN TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR
YET
ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION. HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING CLIMAX
TWICE OR
THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN IT IS MUCH LESS. WHO AM I ?? AS YOU MAY
HAVE
ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR
VERY
OWN.... TOOTHBRUSH !!!!!!!!!!!

What were you thinking?
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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