Humor For Today or any other Day

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

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duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
>students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
>Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
>understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
>grew up, etc., so he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
>
> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
>
> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
>
> Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
>know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
>
> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
>response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
>seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
>knew this.
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
>the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
>started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
>up!"
>
> After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
>
> The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
>
> No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"








At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
>including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
>class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
>out of one of Adam's ribs.
>
> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
>ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
>
> Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going
>to have a wife."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy . "Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl, "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
Discovering that they are both going the same way, they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road and there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know , I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask,
"Bob,how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do
you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Designer
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Designer »

A Question About Benefits


Dear Sir,
I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18 year old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

==============

THE ANSWER:

Of course you qualify Mohammad! I have arranged to start mailing the checks to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in California.

Yours faithfully,

Jerry Brown
Governor - State of California
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Time To Ride Country Two Laners. :ShitGrinandThumb:


CENSORSHIP IS WHAT TYRANTS RESORT TO WHEN THEIR LIES LOOSE THEIR POWER. :space: MORS TYRANNIS
Si vis pacem, para bellum!

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck.
The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck
a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted
the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked
the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker
was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A man's threatening to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge when an elderly woman walks by.
"Don't do it. What would your wife and kids think?" she says.
The man answers, " I have no wife and kids".
The old woman then asked "What would your friends think?"
The man says "I have no friends".
The old woman finally asks "Well, what would Robert E. Lee think?"
the man says "Who's Robert E. Lee?"
The lady says "Go ahead and jump, you damn Yankee."




Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask,
"Bob,how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do
you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."



New Bra
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing out
the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the s**t out of him
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Suzuki Johnny
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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went motorcycle riding.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.







With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was
discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in, kneels down, and begins his confession: "Father, this is my sin: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

The priest responds, "You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father: I've had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels. Father: "I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The next morning, the priest is in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors open in the back of the church and in walks a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. Every man in the church follows her every step with their eyes. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart, exposing the inner thigh to its upmost.

The priest cannot help but stare. Taken by curosity, the priest finally leans over and whispers to the altar boy. "Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy looks at the woman, and in horror looks back at the priest, his face flushed red, and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by SuzyRidr2 »

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lovineveryminuteofit

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by HARRIS »

SWEEET
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck

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Re: Humor For Today or any other Day

Post by Suzuki Johnny »

Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
duc, sequere, aut de via decede
"frapper fort, frapper vite, frappée souvent-- Adm William "Bull" Halsey
“We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.”--Gen George Patton
"Our Liberty is insured by four "Boxes", the Ballot box, the Jury box, the Soap box and the Cartridge box"

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